Life. There's a Coach For That

Me:I am a life coach.

Used to be everyone ever: What is a life coach?

First I feel it's responsible to tell you what we are not. We are (usually) not licensed therapists qualified to navigate mental health conditions. We tend to look forward rather than back. And I will tell you this. If there is someone thriving in their chosen field, they have a coach. I don't know a coach that doesn't have multiple coaches. I have multiple coaches. There are acting coaches, real estate coaches, writing coaches, health and wellness coaches, business coaches, coaches for coaches... You name it. There's a coach for that.

In general we support clients in moving from where they are to their future self they dream of becoming. Because quite frankly, you just get this one life. A fake it til you make it mantra has led us way off course. At the end of your life you will not get bonus points for staying true to your fake and miserable self.

I personally coach people up and forward after monumental changes laid them flat. I truly believe you can rebuild your life. Again and again if necessary. I know it from first hand experience. You can reinvent and revive. This is resilience. The bounce after the hitting bottom. This takes energy, readiness and help. Does asking for support feel like your next right step? If so, we are lucky to live in a time where help in it's many forms, is ready and waiting .

If you’re like me the MASSIVE challenge is in the asking. I used to think it was just my parents that taught me to stuff the uncomfortable things and never let them see the light of day. Through coaching these past 5 years I am now clear it’s generational. The generation above me generally feels that troubles aren’t for sharing. But I have good news! Welcome to a lucky place where we have the opportunity to be what are called transitional characters. People that change our culture for the better. Plant the seed. Start the ripple. We can model asking for help. We can share our struggles. We can create a place where admitting you need a life coach or a therapist is as open a conversation as going to a dentist when your tooth hurts. A Dr. when you feel that something isn’t right with your health. I read somewhere lately that it will be commonplace for millennials to have a life coach. When that is the commonplace, we’ll get all puffed up and proud knowing we did that. We paved a new and healthy path.

Did you have a favorite coach growing up? Beautiful thing. You can have one again. Whatever you need. Email me through my website. If I’m not it I know someone who is. At least a starting place for you. Someone who has experienced your particular struggle, conquered it- and can coach you through it.

You can screen shot a thousand inspirational quotes. You can take free courses on you tube. But courage pays big dividends. When you are brave enough to share your story with someone who can help you move forward, you are on your way. Not to mention paving a gift of a way for the next generation to follow.

You Can't Always Get What You Want. you get what you need.

Are you wandering around telling yourself that life is not going as planned? That you’re not getting what you want? Thing is, that might not actually be true.

I teach the law of attraction. Often using The Passion Test. In that coaching tool we talk about:

1). Intention ( as in, let’s get clear about what you want in your ideal life).

2.) Attention (as in visualize. Because what you focus on will grow stronger).

3.) No tension. (as in, don’t worry about the how or the timing. )

Sound confusing? I will use myself as an example. A year ago I moved to a suburb of Nashville. I hoped to meet new friends. Truth be told, I haven’t met many people, and yet …more than I think. I can explain.

Ready for one of my favorite stories? Years ago I moved to San Diego. Back then finding a roommate in a new city involved a business called Room Mate Finders. They did their survey and matched me up with a similar aged female in the area I wanted to live. They gave me her address, and let her know I was on my way over. When she opened the door she was wearing pants made of the same crazy pattern as the vest I was wearing. Our hair was a similar, yet unusual strawberry blonde. I introduced myself. She looked surprised. Turns out we have the same name!! We found this all a little odd. So as we asked each other’s ages it came up that… we have the same birthday. Crazy right?

Kathleen and I have stayed in touch, but have rarely seen each other through the years. But guess what? Turns out her son had one more year at Vanderbilt here in Nashville. So this year on her visits from Chicago, we spent time together. And tonight, for the first time in exactly 30 years we are roommates again. She’s staying with me. Tomorrow we will go to a concert to celebrate our birthdays. So fun!

Intention: I wanted to meet friends that would make my new move easier.

Attention: I was focused on that.

No tension: It did happen. Just not how I thought it would happen. I did in fact gain a friend this year. It just came in the form of a long lost friend.

The moral of the story is to stay open. Life is so much less stressful if you can focus on positive intentions, but float in the unknown space in between.

I challenge you to look at your own life from different perspectives. You might have gotten what you’ve been asking for. It just didn’t happen how you had anticipated.

If you think of a story to share, feel free to comment. As always, if you’d like professional help navigating monumental change, I would be honored to hear from you.

Now excuse us, but the Kathleens have plans y’all:)

P.S Happy Birthday Kathleen

Brave Movers In June. this one's for you

There were years I moved a lot. Like many of you, I've lived a lot of places. One of the predictably beautiful spots was San Diego, CA.  It's pretty much nice there all of the time, except June. There we call it "June gloom."  Sorry tourists, current forecast: gray and overcast skies along the beach. Smack dab in the middle of summer.
Moving can be like that.  We're excited for the fresh start, but the reality can predictably lead to loneliness and gloom.  June is a favorite month to move. I dedicate this month's article to the brave movers in this month of June.

People moving in and out of my new area are a huge part of life here.  I did it exactly one year ago. Moving alone, across the country, after fire took everything I owned in California.  I knew no one here.  If that sounds hard, turns out it's even harder.  
The phases of your life help or hurt you.  Maybe you have young kids. That helps. Maybe you have a bustling new workplace. That helps. Maybe you enjoy group sports or activities.  That helps.  But maybe like me, your kids are older, you work from home, and you're that bubbly kind of introvert.  Then what?
Years ago the beloved receptionist at my office retired.  Soon after, her husband passed away.  When we met for lunch a few months later, she said something to me that I will never forget.  What surprised her most was that with no workplace, grown kids, and living alone...she could go days without speaking.  I think about that a lot.  Because now I know that to be true.
So you are new. Now what?  If you are a joiner, welcome to nirvana.  But if you are not, I'll share 4 of the many ways proven to increase happiness.
1.)  Stick like glue to a morning routine.  Set an alarm. Get up and dressed and outside. With a little help from the Internet, you can find endless activities, festivities, and new things to try.
2.)  Keep a gratitude journal.   A daily list of 3 things you are grateful for, because there are absolutely always things to be grateful for.  Need two?  Every morning, when each foot hits the ground, say "Thank. You."  Because you were just given the gift of another day. Happy people are not grateful.  Grateful people are happy.  They scan the world for the good. The good news is, that's a habit you can learn.
3.) Sing along to your favorite music while driving.   No I'm not making that one up. It's science people. Studies show, the louder you sing, the more your endorphins get a boost.  So crank it up. 
4.) Volunteer.  Giving and helping others is proven to make you feel better. Having a bad day? Ask yourself who or where you can help today?

If you didn't know, the weather here in the South is very dramatic. It can change in an instant.  So if your current forecast feels gloomy, I predict sunnier skies ahead.  As always, if you'd like me to coach you through major change,  please reach out.  It is my privilege to share tools and support that make huge transitions easier.

.... Love The One You're With

Psssst. 
I know your perfect date.  I know your perfect travel partner.  I know your perfect dinner companion, movie companion, and personal shopper. The wait and the searching are over. Am I about to send you to match.somewhere?  No.  No I am not. Grab a mirror, because here's the thing.  It's you
I grew up in a small town.  I grew up with the feeling that place had a gate on it, and I couldn't wait to open it and see the world.  Many of my childhood friends are the most well traveled people I know. But in the same town, I remember visiting as a young adult, and finding some friends on the same bar stool, in the same spot.  When I'd say I'd moved to a faraway place, some would sigh and reply, "I wish I could go there."  I would walk away perplexed.  Looking at that highway that could lead anyone, anywhere, any time.  And when finished exploring, it could easily lead them right back home if they chose.  Life is kind of awesome that way.  Stay, leave, go, return, don't.  It's all a choice. The only one standing in your way is still in the mirror.  Hi you.
Happy right where you are, as you are?  Fantastic!  This blog is for the others. This blog is for the many many people I meet that feel they have no choice. They are from towns big and small around the globe.  They might be you?
I talk to clients every day who are waiting.  Waiting for someone, anyone to set them free.  Someone, anyone, to meet them somewhere, so they can give themselves permission to enjoy the things they love. Men and women.  Married, single, divorced, or widowed.  Young, elderly, and middle-aged.  People waiting to meet, or at least meet up with someone, so they can get living.  Women and men that can't fathom a meal alone.  A movie alone.  A vacation alone. A concert alone. I've met people that won't drive on the freeway alone.  
People are wired for connection.  Some more than others.   But I also know as loneliness and depression rates rise to an all time high, there are certain things that are guaranteed to help.  One is getting up and dressed and out of the house to try new things.  So I am starting a movement to get moving. No pressure to work out here.  Just fire up the Google and get out and about to new places and events.  This is a no brainer.  You know who has the same taste in cuisine as you do?  YOU.  Who has the same taste in movies as you?  YOU.  Same taste in travel destinations, music, adventure, hotels, excursions, and tours? YOU. YOU. YOU. If this evening finds you in a phase where it's dinner for one.  Why not make that a nice dinner out where its lively and yummy and beautiful.
Now don't get me wrong.  I've just spent a year in a new place and done just about every single thing alone. I'm pretty over myself.  But I'm also picky about the people I add to my life.  I know I am the one who will save me. 
While out and about, I hope you find like minded people that lift you up, make you laugh, and lighten your load. Don't get me wrong, life is more fun when shared. But if you read this and think: at the moment, I am alone, but no way am I going out alone! 

That is a thought. Someone likely taught you that.

Thoughts can change. I can teach you that.

Then feelings change. 

Then actions change.  

Don't believe me?

You only get this one life. Maybe your first trip, is a road trip with a life coach.

 www.roadtripwithalifecoach.com 

Grace

Hello world. I'd like to introduce you to Alyssa-Grace illsley.  The kindest, sweetest, most accepting person I know.  She made me a mother on Mother's Day 18 years ago.  When she was little and crying I could soothe her by singing You Are My Sunshine and whispering the names of all of the people that loved her. 

We  chose to put her name in the middle, which has been a burden for an introverted kid, but she's got it now.  There were years she never corrected anyone when they called her Alyssa.  Then to save the Grace we went with "Alyssa-Grace."  But she is stronger now.  She will sweetly correct you.  She is firm in owning her Grace. 

She listens more than speaks, and understands what she observes with amazing depth.

Grace: school was not easy.  Socializing was not easy.  But now we can see that the amazing tutors and counselors and teachers transformed you into someone who can ask for help, work together, persevere. These are life skills that will serve you so well.

You struggled to find your place. But that made you a steadfast advocate for anyone struggling to fit in and be understood.  With this life skill I have no doubt that this world will be better for having you in it.

You are brave. Brave enough to switch schools this senior year.  The bravery paid off in the ease and peace and friends you dreamed of.  Bravery will serve you well.

My hope is that you don't spend years letting the things your dad and I said or didn't say- did or didn't do, cloud the future of who you are. So many adults sacrifice life to that.  As with all parents, we did our best to support every part of you and to give you roots and wings. 

There is a Japanese art form called  Kintsugi. Broken pieces of pottery are repaired with gold.  The newly mended  piece is thought to be more beautiful than the original.  This is our family.  In the last years, we are mended for having broken.  Then we learned through fire that we are not our homes or the contents of our closets.  You were resilient beyond measure.  

We have guided you and shown you the world.  Where you had needs, we filled them up full.  Where you had whims, we made them realities.  We love you and have loved watching you grow in our safe shadow. 

But here we are.  In a few days you graduate.  You can take all we have done and have been and make it your own.  You are not in our shadow. Make the foods you grew up on or learn to make new favorites.  Travel or stay home.  Move or stay.  Find a way to help the world with your gifts.

This is your life.

You have always been so very easy to please.  So on this your graduation, I think I will give you a really beautiful pen.  And people may say, A pen?! But you will truly love it, and without me explaining, you will understand its meaning. 

You, our baby Grace, are the author of your own life. Trust and believe in yourself like we believe in you. Your life will be the result of your habits, your actions, and your choices.  It will be an honor to see where they lead you.   

Listen closely if you can, above the roar of your fears. This is the secret.  

There is no secret other than patience, kindness, humility, and a deep sense of gratefulness.  

It is called Grace.  everything follows from Grace.

Margaret M Painter

Adventure Calls Y'all

Many years ago I left a dreamy job in Del Mar, California to move to Switzerland.  I wanted  adventure.  I wanted "stories to tell from my rocking chair someday."   I signed a multi year contract to work for a dentist I had never met, in a town I had never heard of. Did I know anyone there?  Nope.  Did I speak the language? nein.

Ask me how it went? 

...Well only one of the best phases of my life!!! 

From Switzerland I moved to Santa Rosa, CA..  I've lived here far longer than I've lived anywhere in my life. But... here we are.  The lease is up at our Kenwood farmhouse.The school year ends soon.  My oldest daughter graduates from high school and is registered for college.

It will be many many years here to rebuild and repair.  The housing is limited and my insurance check is too.

Did you ever have a little window of years where your marriage ended, you bought a new house, made it a home...then when you left town for the weekend everything you had burned to the ground? Ya- me too. 

But in that same time window I created a thriving business that I can work from anywhere. 

So...adventure calls y'all.  Franklin, Tennessee here I come. You know when you meet someone and you "just know" they're the one? That's Franklin.

My belongings fit in my car with room to spare, so moving is not so complicated.  My 16 year old daughter will join me once settled, because all huge transitions go easier with a teen age girl by your side.  Tibby the fire surviving wonder cat will fly with my daughter when she makes the trip. Shhhh- Don't tell Tibby that her 6th home since the fire involves air travel. 

Do I know anyone?  Jimi the realtor is awesome.  Ruth who answered the phone at the high school seems super fun. Jennifer that I met at a coaching workshop is there. That's 3 more than my Swiss days.  And bonus: I speak the language!

Now this all was not exactly the plan for my life. But when everything changes, sometimes the choice that feels best is to change everything.  Know as I leave that I am overflowing with gratitude for the shower of kindness and generosity in these last crazy months. 

And if you're fixin' to visit the Nashville area...give us a holler.

To be continued...

Help Me I'm Stuck!

When my brother and I were young we found this spot by the little airport in Lincoln City, Oregon where we lived.  We thought it was quicksand.  Maybe it was and maybe it wasn't, but we used to take turns standing in the danger zone, sinking.  And when we were scary deep in the muck, we would pull each other out.  It was fun.  Because back then, this is the sort of thing kids did for fun.  And if my parents knew or noticed, they never commented on it...or the muddy laundry?  That's also how it was back then. 

Flash forward to being stuck, adult version.  Standing in you danger zone sinking.  Scary deep in the muck, but this time alone. Likely no one notices or comments, because well, you haven't asked for help.

I was stuck.  I know stuck.  And back then I didn't seek help because I didn't even know what I would ask for help with...

But once you can see it in hindsight, it's pretty simple. To get unstuck, you must move.  There must be movement.  Baby steps of bold and brave and scary movement.

One of my favorite tools in helping people get clear, unstuck, and brave change is The Passion Test.  It is heavily based on the law of attraction.  The first concept in the law of attraction is this:

What you put your attention on grows stronger.

If you are stuck and hiding, you are paralyzed by fear.  In this state of mind, you can't see your way clear of the possible pain, sadness, loss, shame, judgement...

But what you put your attention on grows stronger.  And living in the grip of those emotions is a fast pass to crippling isolation, sadness, or depression.

Ready for things to change?  Then there must be, quite simply, change. 

You can't see the water you are swimming in.  But the person on shore can.  You certainly can't see the muck you are stuck in.  But the person standing on solid ground can.

Hiring a coach doesn't mean anything is wrong with you.  It means that you are tired of struggling alone.  

Ready to reach out?  Give me a call.  I never mind a little mud, and I'd be honored to extend  a helping hand. 

This Is My House

I took some pretty good photos of this large marble.  I chose this one, due to the fact that there is a reflection in it of the property where my house once stood. But you see this beautiful hand blown marble is not a reflection of my house- it IS my house.

I can explain.

It starts with the fact that there are angels among us.  "Trapper Dave"  had already healed a world of hurt by trapping and reuniting people, including us, with their cats after the fire. Then Dave called and said he had something for me.  He handed me the marble you see in the photo.  This stranger had scooped ashes that were my former home and created this piece of art.  He had taken the time to wrap it in silk and place it in a velvet bag.  The whole thing was so shocking and surprising and beautiful. He took something tragic and transformed it into something beautiful. Now here's the thing.  The day I received his gift was the first time I had met this man.

So this blog is dedicated to transformation.  Now trapper Dave didn't lose his house in the fire, but  I have no doubt that he knows deep loss.  He did not lose his pet in the fire, but he knows the hole left by the tragic loss of beloved pets. I don't know him, but I do.  He knows deep empathy.  He knows compassion.  He has suffered and decided that you are not the bad thing that has happened to you, you are what you choose to become after.  After loss, he chose to be a helper and a healer.

Transformation goes like that.  Take something sad and turn it in to something beautiful.  It's a choice.  

Are you suffering? Are you ready to scoop up your proverbial ashes, melt down, and work to turn your life into something different?

If you make this choice, there is immense opportunity to learn and grow.  And once on the other side of it, immense opportunity to help others.

Look at the photo and let it inspire you.

Perhaps your life took a turn. 

The life you expected changed in a flash.

Trust me, you can rebuild your life.

There will be struggle.

But there are angels among us...and shocking, surprising, and unexpected beaut

When The Walls Come Tumblin' Down

Drive home. Click garage door opener. Pull car in garage. Shut garage door. Enjoy the relaxation that privacy brings. 

Many of us more or less do this right?  In the privacy of our own home we say.  Behind closed doors we say.  If I could be a fly on the wall.  If these walls could talk...

We live so much of our lives in our homes, behind our walls, behind our fences and our landscape, and our shades and curtains.  We feel so private...until you see it all when it burns down.  That's one thing that really hits me.  I look around my burned area.  We had nice homes and pretty fences.  We had beautiful mature landscaping.  We had so much privacy.  Then you you see it burned bare.

I really had no idea we were all SO close together.  I look around and see a sea of brick chimneys that seem SO close together. 

And now we all see each other.  And we meet neighbors looking at their ashes that we never met when we had our walls. We look for each other's pets.  We help find each other housing. We share our sadness.  

Our literal, physical, and metaphorical walls burned down.  It's not private.  We have nowhere to hide.  We are exposed during this difficult time.

We have such a cliche about people that "come out of the closet."  But we all have a closet.  We have walls.  We hide.

Have you handled your most difficult times on your own?  I know I did.  Its how I was raised.  It's how my parents were raised.  Did you put up walls due to shame or embarrassment?  Did you think people would not understand?  You didn't want to be judged.  You didn't want to be the center of attention for your most vulnerable of issues?  These are beliefs and rules we mostly were given as we grew up.  But I love the time we live in.  We can change and grow and learn.  We can be mindful.  We can choose new beliefs.  

Since I began life coaching, the world keeps showing me over and over again, the deep and healing power of sharing. Because amidst the confusion and devastation and overwhelm, what I know now is that people want to help.  When you are standing exposed with nowhere to hide, the helpers appear. They may not know exactly how to help or what to say, but kindness rises. I could fill pages and pages with the details of the kindness shown to us since the fire.

I was taught to suck it up and handle things on my own. I was taught that you keep personal and private challenges private.  But may I tell you now: your walls, they are not strong.  They can be gone in an instant.  And if life finds you standing exposed and devastated with nowhere to hide, perhaps its time to be open to new ways.  Welcome your helpers.  They will appear.  Find the people that understand.  There will be someone who has stood where you stand.  They have felt what you feel.  They have stood bare among their version of  ashes that were once their tidy and private life. 

I have learned so many valuable lessons during all of the exposure that fire brings.  It can be translated to so many life challenges.

So I ask you:

What are you hiding? 

What do you need to share? 

What is keeping you up at night?

Are you ready to ask for help?

Because walls tumble or perhaps burn,

but kindness rises and I promise, your helpers will appear.

When Life Becomes A Blank Canvas

I had navigated the inevitable pain and loss that comes with dissolving a marriage.  I had started over.  Started a new business.  Bought a house and made it a home for my two teen daughters.  On the weekend of Oct. 8th, 2017 I flew to Texas for a much anticipated weekend with friends.  The next night my new house and everything in it burned to the ground in what would be the largest wildfire in California history.  Absolutely everything I had was gone.  The attached photo is a picture of my lot today, 4 months after the fire.  They are still finishing the process of scraping it clean.

So how do you start over, when you think you cannot possibly start over again?  After taking time to grieve deeply, you find your internal compass.  You walk slowly towards the things and people and activities that energize you.  In your rear view mirror are the things and activities and people that deplete you.  The road with which you take back your life is paved with your passions. 

Oddly enough, teaching these concepts is what I do for a living.  This is now my story that accompanies my 3 hour workshop on The Passion Test.  The workshops or private sessions are a tool to help help clients get clear, unstuck, and build a road map towards their version of their ideal life.

After the fire, for quite some time I was lost in a swirl of emotions...until I could see that I know the way.  Giant and unexpected course correction?  YES!  I've never done exactly this version of change and navigation, but I feel a sense of peace that I know the way.  I was taught the way.  I teach the way. 

During times of transition, gift yourself permission to bravely go towards those things that just feel right.  Because your passions and your purpose are one and the same.

So I ask you to picture this:  if your house and absolutely everything you had burned down today.  Something completely out of your control erased your life's footprint.  You must move.  You needed to replace things.  You needed to rebuild from scratch.

What would you do?

What would you change?

Where do you want to go?

What would you let go of and what would you replace?

What would you learn?

How would you help others?

Every day is an opportunity to learn and grow and change.

If your life was suddenly a blank canvas, who would you choose to become?

Twas The Night Before Christmas, and All Through The _____

I am hired to inspire.  I also write a little blog now and then to remind y'all I'm here.  Routinely very short...like my attention span.  But I've skipped a few months.  I have not felt very inspired since my house burned down in the California wildfires.  I've decided to dedicate this blog to the times we aren't inspired or inspiring.  

Now don't get me wrong- there has been mind boggling levels of love and kindness and generosity here.  I so want to share the many beautiful stories the fire has brought me, but I'm just tired.

I believe that often in our darkest times, we feel the need to only show our rosy, positive, sunny sides.  Somehow make things that are pure sadness, light and funny and more palatable for others, or maybe more palatable for ourselves.  But there are times in all  our lives when we truly lose the foundation of who we are.  Floating with no home base, perhaps literally, or perhaps figuratively.  There are times we lose absolutely everything.

Above is a sad and powerful photo of my daughters taken at a sad and powerful time.  They are standing where they should be sleeping this night before Christmas. I am not going to make light of that.  We want to go home so badly it hurts.

For me, when life is too overwhelming...I want to nap.  I want to bury my troubles in spaghetti bolognese and cover up with a super soft blanket with Jack Johnson singing to me in the background. 

In my life coaching, we call this square one.  You dissolve like a caterpillar in a cocoon.  Truly allow yourself to melt down and dissolve.  The current term that comes after is self care.  What do you need?  A soft blanket, a massage, binge watching 2 seasons of stranger things on Netflix?  What do you need? 

You do not know what the hell is going on and that is okay.  It is okay not to be okay.

California, Houston, Puerto Rico, Las Vegas...and thousands of  other places and people; its okay to have your time.  Do what feels right for you each day. Take it at the pace that feels right for you and you alone. Socialize or don't.  Exercise or rest. Answer the phone or let it go to voicemail.  It's okay to respect your version of self care.  And to be able to genuinely move forward, this is a step you cannot skip. To become something new, first you must let go of what you were.  Letting go is painful and complicated.  You will be different after.  You may look the same to others, but you will be different. 

This is trauma, and no one can shame you, or guilt you, or joke you out of this phase.  You will know when you are ready to move forward.

Until then,

Twas the Night Before Christmas, and wherever this finds you-

I wish you peace, 

and a safe place to rest,

...and to all, a good night

Image Credit: www.lauraschneiderphoto.com

The Angel And The Devil In You

I love zumba.  I always say that it's like going out dancing with your girlfriends, minus the cocktails.  So...I'm zumba-ing: a shimmy here and a shake there, when my knee does a zing.  Nothing huge and horrible, but definitely a zing.  So you know what I did?  I left.  I prioritized my knee hurting over worry that I'd offend the instructor, others would wonder why I'm bailing, the fact that I'd already paid and taken the time and effort to get there...  I listened to my body.  

As I walked out, I thought...good for me, I listened to my body, over the fear of judgement and shoulds. That's taken time and practice.  I know it's a small example, but we need to start small. I had to relearn that.  Because we really are like those childhood cartoons where there is the little devil on one shoulder and the little angel on the other.  

As you start paying attention, the devil is not sitting on your shoulder.  Your devil is that voice in your mind.  That voice is not you... because well, it's talking to you.  It's shoulding all over you.  It's telling you that you should stay where it's safe, you aren't worth it, you won't be accepted, risks are dangerous, the future is uncertain. Your critics are right.  Stay small. Don't change.  Don't want more. There is so much to fear.  Everyone judges you.  You are going to run out.  You will fail. And you most certainly are going to die alone on a couch, with no one there but your cat...who won't really care. 

So I write you today, to challenge you to duct tape the mouth of your little meanie devil and move down about 18 inches.  CHALLENGING shift if you are up to the task, but mandatory for true happiness.  You see, fact is that your angel lives in your heart.  It's the feeling in your gut.  It's trying to tell you the way to your truth, your happiness, your joy and passions. It's in your body.  Your what? Uh oh, yes I said your body.  The one you don't really like? Yes that body. It knows the way, but you have to slow down and listen to the very thing you've learned to ignore. I told you it's a battle.  It's your sweet quieter angel.  So it takes reflection and stillness to hear the quieter voice.  The current term in being mindful.  Aware.  Paying attention.

Your devil mind is so much louder.  It's full of your rules you've picked up along the way through life. Good people stay married. No matter what.  Stay in that life sucking job so as to use the degree you worked so hard for.   Stay in the house after your spouse died.   Keep your toxic family in your life. Retire, even though you still love your job. Don't defy your religion, your family, your boss, your colleagues, societal norms, friends...your collective "everyone."

SO loud.

SO powerful.

Then there comes a day when you realize where the unkind voice in your mind led you.  It seems the only person you were willing to defy...was you.

SO sad

SO powerful

My mentor Martha Beck stresses that truth feels like freedom.  Your truth might not be the easy way, but I promise you- happiness lies in going the direction of the still,quiet voice inside of you. It knows. 

When you are bold enough to choose in favor of your passions, those ideas and feelings have wings.

like an angel.

Life Lessons From A Donkey

Life lessons are absolutely everywhere, every day.  My latest lessons about life (and death) came from witnessing the struggle of a donkey's last day.

It began with a late night call from a distraught friend.  She thought the donkey was dying.  She needed my help. When I arrived, with one look, I could see it was true. There was a

distant look in donkey's eyes.  A look of resignation.  We respected that her life had been long and good, but she would need help not to suffer.  The vet was called.  20 minutes he said. Interesting isn't it?  To know how long something has to live.  20 minutes.  So I see a hundred  different lessons in all of that, but it continues.

I called a support system.  When a friend arrived, his first comment was "we're getting her up." She's laying down.      "It's a giving up position."  

That comment really resonated with me.  That's my nugget  for today.  The nugget to inspire this blog.  Because I know darkness, depression, loss of hope and energy.  So many of us do- and yes, laying down is a giving up position.  I understand it.  I respect the rest.  I respect the need.  But, what I was also reminded of, is that when you are ready, there are so many venues for help. Someone safe to talk to, a book, a program, a chance to learn, faith, and hope.  Something or someone to help raise you up and get your legs under you.  Something to get you moving.  Things to get you in a ready position.  

So you're up.  Your feet are under you.  You have something solid to push against.  The ability to rise...

Then there comes that moment that it's up to you.  You get propped back up, but there is a moment where the decision is yours and yours alone.  Will you lay back down, or muster your strength to stand on your own two feet?  It involves struggle.  Life involves struggle.  

 And when you rise, (and I hope you do), I believe you stand taller than before.  Braver than before. Wiser than before.  If you choose to learn from the fall, you are richer for it.

So this blog is dedicated to Carmen the donkey.  A kind and gentle spirit.  

A teacher, even on her last day.

Be Free With Me

Be Free With Me

July 4, 2017

Happy Independence Day.  Are you content in your little corner of our land of the free and home of the brave?  Those key words are linked aren't they?   To embody independence, you need to feel free and brave.

As for me, I am preparing to drive to a life coaching workshop.  One step closer to another certification.  As I pack, I was asking myself what makes me feel most free and brave.  Answer is easy: wandering like a carefree gypsy, which is what I am about to do.  I like to take the slow road and see what new things I can discover.  Then I had a thought.  Who wants to join me?  On the phone that is. Many are surprised to find out that life coaching happens over the phone.  I've found it to be perfect for distraction free, focused conversations. 

Being generous makes me happy.  Helping others fulfills me.  A little road trip fuels my gypsy soul.  I feel a combo. offer idea sparking...like a sparkler on the 4th of July.

Let's chat while I wander. These confidential, compassionate conversations may take place over a bowl of bing cherries at a roadside fruit stand, on a California beach at sunset, or on a little walk in the woods.

Pack what you like for your virtual trip, but know that  I would be honored to be your partner in helping you to repack.  Don't get too attached to your baggage, because in life coaching...lightening your load is the key.  Your fear, self doubt, and shame are always along for the ride, but know they don't get to drive.

...and I pick the music.

...and sing along badly.

...you can feel free to sit back and stick your bare feet out the window.

Now excuse me while I fill up the car and buy nacho cheese Doritos and bean dip.   And if you are now judging me...we'll start there:)

 This 4th of July offer is brave and free and will definitely fill before I find my spot to watch fireworks this afternoon.

Hello Summer

Today is the last day of school.  Do you remember the feeling?  That feeling when the final bell rings?.  Squeals of joy.   SUMMERRRRRRRR.  Ahhhhhhhhhh.

What was summer for you back then?  Take a moment to remember back. The time just stretched on and on.  Can you remember the smell of the beach, or forest, or meadows of wheat?.  Where I grew up there were fields and fields of wheat.  And a river.  We loved going to the river.  Picking blackberries and eating them on the sandy beach.

 I'm sure you can remember certain summer songs. I can still feel the feeling of a day where I rode in a jeep wrangler, top down, and James Taylor was singing "Up on The Roof."  

In your summer childhood memories did you feel freedom, joy, ease,peace?  Interesting, because in my life-coaching practice, I'm seeing that these are the very things we seem to have lost as adults.  

In your life, if you just can't remember that summer feeling, find a picture.  Go back as far as needed, until you find a photo of a time you felt truly happy.  What are you doing in the photo?  Are you in nature?  Ah -- a clue.  Do you need more nature in your current routine?  Perhaps your cubicle life is draining you dry.   Were you riding a bike all easy breezie to get ice cream?  A clue. Do you still own a bike?  When was the last time you rode it just for fun?  Destination ice cream or bust. Double scoop. Are you alone in the photo, with family, or friends?   A clue.  Maybe you need more time to yourself.  Maybe you need to socialize more. Attached is the photo I used when I did this exercise a couple of years ago.  I'm riding with my favorite friend, at my favorite place, on my favorite horse.  Yes I am barefoot. Yes I am bareback. Most of all, when I look at it I can still feel the joy, ease, peace...happiness.  I am fearless.  I am free. So hello summer.  A season meant to find time to do the things that make you happy.  If this reaches you at a time when you struggle to remember -- then start by doing something that made you happy when you were younger.  Maybe it's time to tune up your bike.  Ride it to a friend's house.

 Barefoot.  

 For an ice cream.  

 Double scoop

Cowgirl up!

 I have been lucky enough to have horses most of my life.  Somehow I managed my childhood Idaho horse phase with the sum total knowledge of: right, left, stop, back. It was a high energy, cowgirl up, "which way to the rodeo" style of riding.  

But as the years and I progressed, I learned that I can actually slow my horse by simply taking a deep, relaxing breath.  Relax.  Shoulders back.  Chin up.  Eyes forward.  Amazingly, this huge animal feels the subtlety of your gaze.  Where you look, your horse will go.

I can't think of any sport or activity where your coach recommends that you keep looking behind you.  Or that to reach maximum potential you should keep looking side to side to see how others are doing. In lifecoaching we call that  "compare and despair."   Nothing drains your energy quicker than comparing yourself to others.  And, man alive, if I could have the time back that I've spent dwelling on the past, I think I could live to be 120.

So here we are.  Lucky enough to have another day.  

Are you looking back?  Regretting  things that happened in your past?  Let them go.  

Looking side-to-side?  That just  leads to worry.  As Aileen Norton Swift says, "worrying is like praying for what you don't want."

So let me ask you: where are you focusing?  Is it the direction you want your life to go?

Take a deep relaxing breath.

Shoulders back.

Chin up.

Eyes forward.

Where you focus, your one amazing life will go

Dynamite comes in small packages

There's no better way to help than to get out and experience nature for yourself.

Dynamite comes in small packages.  So my not-so-tall mother used to love to say. Well I'm here to tell you, mama was right.

In this case the small package I am referring to is a word.  A small seemingly innocent word that packs a powerful punch.  A little teenie word that has the ability to cage you in an iron clad prison and dissolve the key.  So powerful that it leaves you frozen...stuck...smothering.  It has the power to ruin a human life.

Ready to see this power?  Because it also packs a powerful punch to see this teenie little guy in print.  This word is:  BUT

It goes like this:  You say you are miserable.  A memory of being happy is a faraway dot in your rear view mirror.  You would begin to take the steps to feel better.  Deep down you know what would make you feel better. Be honest.  You DO know.  For at least a second or two when you actually find a little peace and quiet and stillness.  But you can't.  But you shouldn't...

It sounds like this:

Yeah,  but I wouldn't make enough money.  

Yeah,  but people would think I'm crazy.

Yeah,  but I would disappoint people.

But I'm too old, too young, too fat, too short... It's a waste of my education. I don't have the education. Why would people listen to me?  It's already been done...

So in this, my first blog, I am going to give you a gift.  A gift of a small word that packs an even more powerful punch.   Ready?

IF It sounds like this:

 What if...

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.  You must do the thing you think you cannot do."

-Eleanor Roosevelt

What if you do the thing you think you cannot do?